Not Always Sunshine and Happiness

This photo my 12-year-old daughter took of me at a graduation party captured my mood perfectly.  I feel utterly deflated this weekend, and I can’t shake it.  I know part of it is due to PMDD, but it’s magnified by life and the state of my house in general.  I hesitated to put anything about this out there fearing that I’d be revealing a secret – that my life isn’t always sunshine and happiness.  However, I thought a dose of reality might be warranted.  I could refrain and let everyone continue to think that I’m always this positive, happy-go-lucky person whose life is just full of fun and good times.  That would be a lie.

Everyone has their slumps, and everyone has bad moods.  I’m on day three of a bad mood, and it sucks!  I don’t want to be pacified.  Don’t tell me everything will be fine.  Don’t tell me everyone goes through it or everyone has rough days.  I’m not looking for validation.  I know everything will be fine; it just isn’t fine at the moment.  I know everyone has rough days, but this is my rough day(s).  When I’m having a rough day, I really couldn’t give a hoot about anyone else’s rough day.  Let them wallow in their own rough day just as I’m wallowing in mine!

I have a few things I do well, but I have many things that I do horribly.  The things that I do horribly are coming back to bite me in the ass!  I can organize things, and I can usually keep certain things organized, but I can’t teach others in the house to keep things organized.  The one time I skip putting something back exactly where it goes, everyone else follows suit, and all hell breaks loose.  HUGE mess of disorganization and nothing can be found.  The C.H.A.O.S. (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) this creates makes me sad.  It could be just as well since past experience has proven that most people can’t make it anyway.  So why bother?  (I know, I know! Self-pity – suck it up!)

What causes the problem is dropping things where it’s most convenient to save a few seconds and get to what’s more desirable faster.  Repeat this process over and over, and what could have been prevented by taking a few extra seconds to put something away now takes a few hours to sort through, organize, and clean.  Multiply that by the six people in this house (yes, I’m included), and that’s just overwhelming.

This may sound typical of an average American family, no matter how much many of the house proud ones try to hide it.  What is not typical is that every one of the women in those families also suffer from PMDD.  I know a lot of women throw around the PMS excuse flippantly, but everyone has some sort of mood swings.  Some have a far easier time of just “getting over it” or “snapping out of it” than others.  Throw money matters into the mix (and I will refrain from sharing those details), and it’s all over.

The bottom line is that everyone in the house needs to share the responsibilities.  The problem there is know-how.  They need to be taught how, and I suck at teaching almost as much as I suck at setting a good example.  And so it continues…

There Are No Words … Yet I Found Many

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How can I even put into words the range of emotions I’ve experienced over the past two weeks?  Everyone in the family is experiencing their own emotions, and though they may be similar, we all have our own unique feelings.

My first feeling was shock followed immediately by an intense sadness.  Then crept in some anger for many different reasons.

The fact that anyone smokes (and that I once smoked myself) wasn’t the least of those reasons.  They say former smokers are the worst critics.  They got that wrong.  Former smokers losing, or who have lost, someone because they smoked are even worse.  I thought I hated the fact that people smoked before.  Now it pisses me off more than I can express.  I remember when I smoked, I didn’t smell it in my house.  I thought smoking by the exhaust vent in a bathroom or kitchen would eliminate the odor and smoke in the house.  HA!  So wrong!  Smoking in the basement?  Forget about it.  The only solution is to just quit.  Don’t tell me it was easier for me because I didn’t smoke for as many years.  Bullshit!  I don’t deny for one second that it’s hard.  But it has to be done.  One more cigarette … one more pack … one more carton … wait until we find out … wait until chemo’s over … wait until the hard part’s over … wait … wait … wait …  If you wait until the perfect time or even just a better time, you’re never going to do it.

Now that I got that off my chest, I can settle back into the biggest emotion hanging around: Sadness.  I’m almost disappointed in myself for hiding my emotions in front of my dad.  I believe I should have had a day to just let it out in front of him.  What good did it do to suck it up and “be strong” for him.  Why can’t we just be honest?  I’m not saying we should walk around moping and crying all the time, but I also don’t think it’s healthy to hold it inside.  We can be hopeful and positive, but we can also cry when necessary.  And damn it!  Right now I want to cry!  I want to just fall into a heaving mess and CRY!

I’m not necessarily afraid this will throw me into a depression.  I’m pretty sure I have a handle on that one, but we can never say never.  Right?  There can be a fine line between depression and sadness.  It’s wrong to shelter those who suffer from (or have suffered from) depression from sad things in life.  We all have to deal.  My sadness makes me a little numb.  I want to withdraw and just exist in my own little world.  I get lost in my own head.  I walk through the store unaware of people around me – just wanting to be invisible so no one will talk to me.

Then a game of ping-pong begins.  Laughter still happens!  Yes, I can still laugh!  It’s okay to be happy even though something so sad is happening.  Obviously, I’m not happy that the sad thing is happening.  I’m still capable of feeling joy.

And then, just as fast, I’m angry again.  I’m angry that it’s taking so long to get an answer!

Tired…..