There Are No Words … Yet I Found Many


How can I even put into words the range of emotions I’ve experienced over the past two weeks?  Everyone in the family is experiencing their own emotions, and though they may be similar, we all have our own unique feelings.

My first feeling was shock followed immediately by an intense sadness.  Then crept in some anger for many different reasons.

The fact that anyone smokes (and that I once smoked myself) wasn’t the least of those reasons.  They say former smokers are the worst critics.  They got that wrong.  Former smokers losing, or who have lost, someone because they smoked are even worse.  I thought I hated the fact that people smoked before.  Now it pisses me off more than I can express.  I remember when I smoked, I didn’t smell it in my house.  I thought smoking by the exhaust vent in a bathroom or kitchen would eliminate the odor and smoke in the house.  HA!  So wrong!  Smoking in the basement?  Forget about it.  The only solution is to just quit.  Don’t tell me it was easier for me because I didn’t smoke for as many years.  Bullshit!  I don’t deny for one second that it’s hard.  But it has to be done.  One more cigarette … one more pack … one more carton … wait until we find out … wait until chemo’s over … wait until the hard part’s over … wait … wait … wait …  If you wait until the perfect time or even just a better time, you’re never going to do it.

Now that I got that off my chest, I can settle back into the biggest emotion hanging around: Sadness.  I’m almost disappointed in myself for hiding my emotions in front of my dad.  I believe I should have had a day to just let it out in front of him.  What good did it do to suck it up and “be strong” for him.  Why can’t we just be honest?  I’m not saying we should walk around moping and crying all the time, but I also don’t think it’s healthy to hold it inside.  We can be hopeful and positive, but we can also cry when necessary.  And damn it!  Right now I want to cry!  I want to just fall into a heaving mess and CRY!

I’m not necessarily afraid this will throw me into a depression.  I’m pretty sure I have a handle on that one, but we can never say never.  Right?  There can be a fine line between depression and sadness.  It’s wrong to shelter those who suffer from (or have suffered from) depression from sad things in life.  We all have to deal.  My sadness makes me a little numb.  I want to withdraw and just exist in my own little world.  I get lost in my own head.  I walk through the store unaware of people around me – just wanting to be invisible so no one will talk to me.

Then a game of ping-pong begins.  Laughter still happens!  Yes, I can still laugh!  It’s okay to be happy even though something so sad is happening.  Obviously, I’m not happy that the sad thing is happening.  I’m still capable of feeling joy.

And then, just as fast, I’m angry again.  I’m angry that it’s taking so long to get an answer!